Monday, November 3, 2008

god's middle children - the bizzarre theology of 'Fight Club'

Back in high school, I saw a movie that my mom would have flipped over if she'd known I'd been watching it. It was called Fight Club, and I remember hearing on the news that upon its release, hordes of teenage boys had begun starting clubs where they'd beat each other senseless. When I watched it, I remember the frenetic and random brutality, and the dark, cruel humor of it speaking to the immature adolescent in me on some bizarre, primordial level. This seems to be a common perception of the it, but I'll only speak for myself when I say that it was like the movie was cracking jokes with the part of my soul which is best not to nourish.

The amazing thing about it was that while being brutal and sardonic, it also made you think. Well it made me think, at least. I'd all but forgotten about it until several weeks ago when my wife and I were having dinner with friends, and I noticed a copy of the book, on which the movie is based, nestled snugly in their bookcase. Remembering that I found the film somewhat thought-provoking, I asked if I could borrow it, and I read it in my spare moments over the course of the next couple days.

My experience with the book was much like my experience with the movie. While with my whole self I disagreed with book, some dark corner of me grinned and picked its nose. While reading, I would find myself thinking, ok, yeah, i could see that, then I'd put down the book and moment later I'd think, What?! Was I just agreeing with that?? One scene in the book, which I don't think happened in the movie, stood out to me because it was so rhetorically convincing, but so horrifying and pragmatically dangerous.

In Fight Club, the main character - whose name is never mentioned - becomes friends with an impulsive and charismatic man by the name of Tyler Durden. Durden is an anarchist with a lot of pent-up frustration and the main character's own frustration with life, coupled with a bomb destroying his apartment, entangles him with Durden. At this point in the story, the main character is caught up in plans that have long since been beyond his control. He's riding in a car with several of Tyler Durden's zealous follwers. The one driving is an auto mechanic, and is reciting some of Tyler's rhetoric to him:
The mechanic says, "If you're male and you're Christian and living in America, your father is your model for God. And if you never know your father, if your father bails out or dies or is never at home, what do you believe about God?"
. . .
"What you end up doing," the mechanic says, "is you spend your life searching for a father and God."
"What you have to consider," he says, "is the possibility that God doesn't like you. Could be, God hates us. This is not the worst thing that can happen."

How Tyler saw it was that getting God's attention for being bad was better than getting no attention at all. Maybe because God's hate is better than His indifference.

If you could choose to either be God's worst enemy or nothing, which would you choose?

We are God's middle children, according to Tyler Durden, with no special place in history and no special attention.

Unless we get God's attention, we have no hope of damnation or redemption.

Which is worse, hell or nothing?

Only if we're caught and punished can we be saved.

. . .
The lower you fall, the higher you'll fly. The farther you run, the more God wants you back.

"If the prodigal son had never left home," the mechanic says, "the fatted calf would still be alive."

It's not enough to be numbered with the grains of sand on the beach and the stars in the sky.
If ideological doctrines were to be judged solely on their rhetorical charisma (which, sadly, many are), this would be convincing enough for me to jump on board. And for the types of people attracted to Tyler Durden's cult in Fight Club, that's all that was needed: an emotionally convincing excuse to act out. But for rational people who want to live peacefully, something more than just passion and zeal is needed. Rationality requires substance.

A tactic that Tyler Durden utilizes (which will sound familiar to any Latter-day Saints reading this, as it is a tactic that LDS theology ascribes to Satan) is that he juxtaposes questions which lead to somewhat obvious answers, with assumptions that are seemingly related but aren't and that seem to follow but really don't. That is to say, that he takes a little grain of truth, and stirs it into a pot of lies.

He begins by making an observation about man's understanding of God, and how a man's Father becomes a kind of type for his perception of God (for more of my thoughts on this, check out this previous post). Then he uses the imperative voice next, claiming that "You have to consider ... the possibility that God doesn't like you."

After telling you what you have to consider, Tyler makes an irrational conclusion, assuming the truthfulness of the previous forced consideration, claiming that "getting God's attention for being bad was better than getting no attention at all.
" He then slides into speculation, stating that "maybe ... God's hate is better than his indifference."

In this particular bit of diatribe, Durden poses two questions which I find to be the most cunningly magnetic elements of his rhetoric. He asks, "If you could choose to be God's worst enemy or nothing, which would you choose?" and later, "Which is worse, hell or nothing?" These are questions geared to the common denominator inherent in all men: the desire to live and to exist. Absent any scholastic sophistry, human beings would almost always choose anything over being winked out of existence. Nobody wants to be nothing. Furthermore, these questions assume a dichotomy which is a false one. Durden quite stealthily avoids mentioning the other possibilities (like God's love in the first case, or heaven in the latter) and moves on as if he's proven that the only options are the ones he's laid out.

He then proceeds to lapse into counterintuitive and ironic maxims and ends with another rhetorically-charged statement, appealing to the natural human desire to be important to somebody; namely to God. "It's not enough to be numbered with the grains of sand on the beach and the stars in the sky."

Adolf Hitler would kneel down and shed a tear at the rhetorical elegance of Tyler Durden's propaganda. He appeals simultaneously to a man's need to be loved and to his most irrational tendencies toward aggression. And after I consult more than just the raw, emotional content of Durden's demagoguery and actually engage my mind, the mystical spell of his charisma is broken. But oh, what a spell it is.

Monday, October 27, 2008

as if i needed another blog...

Well, in an effort to consolidate and organize, I've.... well, I've added another thing to the mess. But it actually will help, I swear. For a long time, I've had my music scattered across numerous websites and if I want to share things, I have to give people appoximately 8 million url's. What I've done is created a music blog. Yeah, I know, I have too many already, but hey, I'm a multifaceted individual.

My new blog, entitled "Geek is the New Cool" (a longstanding aphorism and screen name of mine) is the place to go to find out what's new with my music. I know I'm only writing this for the approximately 2 and 1/3 people who actually read this blog, but hey, it makes me feel important to inform you, so let me feel cool.

So, check out my new blog, and if you're feeling really saucy, leave some comments!

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

it's a rough world out there in facebook land

So, a friend of mine had a goofy picture of herself on her facebook page, and as a result had many humorous comments. One tool however, whom I have never met, left a really long, rambling, retarded comment that had nothing to do with the picture, and was obviously trying pretty pathetically to make himself look interesting and deep. So I, being unable to restrain myself from the perfect timing and placement, quoted Billy Madison:
"At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."
- Billy Madison
Minutes later, the guy removed his retarded comment and left a new one that said: "there ya go." A few minutes after that, this chain of facebook messages began:

[To protect his identity, fragile ego and penis envy, his name has been altered to something that isn't really much different from what it actually is.]


Jerik Gayes
I hope that your post on Christy's photo wasn't directed toward me. If so, I'll smack you when I see you you.

Jake Hawken
Wow. Did you seriously just say that?

Jerik Gayes
yes sir. if your comment was directed to me and you don't know me,i don't see that as funny. i will let Christy's know how you are acting

just don't let it happen again

Jake Hawken
I will take no directions, such as "don't let it happen again" from you. I recognize no authority, inherent or otherwise, in you such that you can give such policemanly directions to me.
Also, is Christy my mom? You're going to "let Christy know how I'm acting?" Seriously? You have some sort of authority complex, my friend. You talk to me like a teacher threatening to call a kid's mom. Then you talk to me like a cop issuing a warning after a moving violation. Get over yourself.
Furthermore, regarding your threat:
1) I am not in the slightest bit afraid of your threat to "smack" me.
2) Should I call the cops on your ass now? There's enough information between Facebook and the BYU website to give the cops a pretty good lead on contacting you. (You're a BYU student from [removed] graduating in [removed].)
3) If you even have 2 brain cells to rub together, you probably won't ever try what you're threatening.

Get a life dude. If you're getting offended and worked up over something said in a pretty public forum on a pretty public website, you have the temperament of an angst-ridden 15 year old. Grow up.

Oh, and by the way, you stutter when you type. "You're going to smack me when you see me me."

I then clicked the "Report Message" link next to his threatening message and reported him to facebook for harassment. As an automatic result, he was blocked from sending me messages, so he sent a message to Jank (my son, who is a stuffed monkey with boxing gloves) trying to remain sounding tough. Tough man, Mr. Gayes, you threatened a plush monkey.

Man, this town breeds some serious thugs.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

sparingly and only in times of famine - an LDS defense of vegetarianism

About three weeks ago, Emily and I went vegetarian. Mostly. We still eat two meals per week with meat in them (out of 20 or so) and, like most vegetarians, we still eat fish. Correction: I still eat fish. Emily never ate it to begin with. To dispel questions many of you might immediately have for us, I will say:
  • No, I haven't joined PETA or any other militant Marxist environmental organization.
  • Yes, I still eat eggs and dairy. I'm not a Vegan. That's just silly.
  • No, I'm not going to try to convince you to do the same thing.
  • Yes, I get plenty of protein. In today's world, you don't even really have to go out of your way to get enough protein.
That out of the way, let me explain what prompted all of this. I'm fat. Yeah, yeah, we can argue about semantics and toss around words like husky, big-boned and cuddly, but in the end, I'm about 30-35 pounds heavier than I want to be. Like most Americans who can afford to, and do, I have fallen prey to the lifestyle of eating too much and exercising too little. It was time for a change of lifestyle for me.

Most of the world (especially America) eats too much meat. Nutritionally speaking, a "serving" of meat is the size of a deck of cards. Who ever stops there? That's a kids' hamburger at Wendy's or a really tiny chicken breast. And most people eat meat at more than one meal per day. So, not only do we eat more than is healthy, we do it multiple times per day.

As a Latter-day Saint, I subscribe to a passage of scripture called the Word of Wisdom, which prescribes general nutritional rules. It many areas it speaks in generalities, but one area in which it is quite strict and explicit is in it's limitations set upon the consumption of meat. To quote it directly, it says:
"Yea, flesh also of beasts and of the fowls of the air, I, the Lord, have ordained for the use of man with thanksgiving; nevertheless they are to be used sparingly; And it is pleasing unto me that they should not be used, only in times of winter, or of cold, or famine." (Doctrine and Covenants, 89:12-13.)
While this is explicit and doctrines concerning substances such as caffeine are vague, many who believe in the WoW hold piously to abstaining from the latter but scoff at the suggestion that they should decrease their consumption of the former. It's one aspect of the WoW that many Mormons feel comfortable ignoring, and even rolling their eyes at. I've certainly ignored it for most of my life, and I'm finally correcting that.

Though I'm not sure exactly how literal the phrase "only in times of winter . . . or famine" is, it's certainly clear that eating meat is to be done in extreme moderation. The word "sparingly" is key, though. The WoW was revealed in America in 1833. In the 1828 edition of Webster's American Dictionary of the English Language, sparingly is defined as meaning "frugally" or "parsimoniously." In a religious/Christian context, the word is taken to mean "abstinently" and "moderately." This begins to paint a clearer picture of what the WoW is saying.

So, I have religious reasons and, as stated earlier, numerous health reasons. In addition to the argument from serving size, drastically reducing one's meat consumption is also an easy way to cut enormous amounts of fat from one's diet, and all but eliminates the dangers of cholesterol. Yes, you can still get a lot of cholesterol from butter, eggs, milk and other things, but if you're removing bacon, hot dogs, and Kentucky Fried Chicken from your diet, there is a whole hell of a lot less of it.

Like I said before though, I'm not advocating it. All I'm saying is that vegetarians don't deserve the kind harsh treatment that I used to give them, and that hordes of my peers still do. Yes, I do believe that animals are, in part, on this earth to be our food. While God did give Adam the right to eat animals, there were also no enormous, hundred-acre cattle farms at the time. The context is different now. Remember, I'm not telling anybody else that they have to follow my example, I'm just preemptively defending my own decision against certain ridicule. It's worth your thought and consideration.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

will you help me sell you things?

Facebook is an anomaly. I remember when I first was introduced to it. Looking at it confused the crap out of me. I was used to myspace (which I only used to promote my music, I swear), which by this point was quickly becoming the porn and date-rape empire that it is today, and Facebook was completely different. I was only joining it because I had to for a political group I was joining on campus and wasn't even really sure what it was. In addition to having 1,400% fewer glitches than myspace, facebook was also laid out completely different, and used different terminology. At the time, it looked like a big mass of squares and buttons, none of which seeming to correspond to anything. I felt like it was some sort of giant inside joke of which I was on the outside.
And then there were the ads. Not only were the ads almost non-existent at this point, but they also were decidedly non-pornographic. It was a novel concept. I mean, "porn" was just one of the words in the definition of "social networking site" as far as I knew. I took it as a pleasant surprise and assumed it was a fluke and tried not to get too attached to it. It's good that I didn't, because American Apparel has made it their mission to turn facebook, via their ads, into an equally pornographic but much more efficient version of myspace.
Enter facebook's new voting system. With the re-vamping of facebook's layout (which made it almost as confusing as it was getting used to facebook for the first time) they've given you a pandora.com-style "thumbs up" or "thumbs down" system to give your feedback on the ads. You are given the opportunity to volunteer information to facebook about what types of ads you like and dislike.
It's as if facebook walks up and stands next to you and clears it's throat, hoping you'll make eye contact, and when you finally do, it says, "Ahem, ah, yes, um, can you help me sell you things?" But I don't want to be sold things, facebook. "Er, yeah. I mean, it's not really for me, it's for a friend, or, um, rather, a friend of a friend. You know how it is." Not really, facebook, but while I'm talking to you, can you please stop putting pictures all over my profile of girls in skanky hipster dresses with their non-existent cleavage showing? "Oh, do you not like those kind of ads? Would you prefer other types?" Yes, I- No! Wait! I don't want any ads! "Do you like this ad?" Aaaargh! Go away! "Would you like an ad about a shirt that says 'Aaargh! Go away!' on it?" *shoots self in face*
So, in addition to letting you say that you dislike or like (don't know why I'd use the latter) an ad, you can say why you do so. So, like pandora.com, they use your feedback to streamline the content of the ads they put on your page. But unlike pandora, they don't have access to your personal social network, contact information, age, sex, favorite books & movies, etc. Luckily for all of us facebookers, however, they're quite far from having it figured out. Most of the kinds of ads they give me make no sense based on any information they've gotten out of me. The ads themselves are also pretty consistently bizarre, and are often strangely or confusingly worded. Take this one for example:

They don't claim that Mr. Paul himself is cool, just wearing one of his shirts. They don't even try to mask the "all the cool kids are doing it" approach here. And, looking at that model, I can tell you she's probably voting for Obama, because she looks like she's the kind of person who would buy into the media's use of that exact same tactic.
How about this one?
I thought that "metrosexual" had become one of those words like "liberal" and "emo," in that it was originally used by those it describes to describe themselves, but after their ridiculous actions had come back to haunt them, was eventually put aside by the same people because it had become so pejorative. I guess they're expecting that people have to check facebook when they're all by themselves sometimes.
And then there's this:


I remain perplexed by this one. "You know, Bobby's having a bad day. Let's send him a duck... oh, and a duck nest. That's essential." You know you live in a country where the standard of living is almost too high when the luxuries people choose to indulge in include duck-o-grams. Wow.

I'm exhausted from even thinking about all this oddity. I'm going to go eat some snacks and take a nap. But first, I'm going to go put on my Ron Paul shirt, because wearing a Ron Paul shirt is a pretty cool thing.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

your favorite holiday is right around the corner!

Well, it's that time of year again, and I know what you're all asking yourselves: What on earth am I going to get Jake for his birthday? It's a pressing issue, and I'm sensitive to your anxiety. That's why I'm here to help.
My whole life, I've always been a big fan of wish lists. Even if you don't expect to get anything on the list, it's always fun to create a list of all the toys you want. My best digital friend, Google, has created a means that I can do so in a way that is viewable worldwide. I present you, my friends, with Jake Hawken's Regularly-Updated Digital Wish List! The JHRUDWL is your one-stop shopping place for all the things Jake wants you to buy for him! I know, it takes all the fun out of begging me to tell you what you can buy me, but the sheer convenience of it is worth it.
As August 22nd comes and goes, and September gets into full swing, the post-Jake's-Birthday blues can strike anyone, but now you're in luck! Jake's Birthday doesn't have to come just once a year anymore! With the JHRUDWL (pronounced juh-ROO-duh-wool) is online 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and 365.25 days per year to keep the Jake's Birthday holiday spirit going year-round! Bookmark it now!
I created this list for all of you, and hope it brings my birthday spirit into all of your hearts! Happy Holiday!
[UPDATE-8/18/08]: If you are just chomping at the bit to buy me clothing, I wear XL t-shirts and hoodies, 38x32 pants (or 40x30 if it's a skinny-people manufacturer like GAP or Old Navy), 17 1/2 x 34-35 dress shirts, and size 13 shoes. You're welcome.

i've been Tagged!

Ah, "tagging." The Web 2.0 version of chain emails. It used to be that you'd receieve an email that was sent out to 14 trillion people with instructions to 1) fill out inane questions about yourself and then 2) send them on to another 14 trillion (or more) people. Now, a friend with a blog "tags" your blog and you then have to "tag" your other friends' blogs. The difference is that I was never actively trying to come up with ideas for emails I'd like to send. I am, however, doing so with my blog. So, in the interest of keeping my blog from stagnating, here's my response to the Tagging.

The way it works is somebody "tags" you by telling you that they're doing so in a comment your blog. In the comment, they leave a link (which never work in blogspot comments) to the post on their blog that is like the one you are currently reading. There are enumerated instructions:
1. You link back to the person who tagged you
2. Post these rules on your blog
3. Share six unimportant things about yourself
4. Tag six random people at the end of your entry
5. Let the tagged people know by leaving a comment on their blogs
6. Enjoy the results!
I will now proceed to follow the steps.

(1) I was tagged by my buddy Ben O'Brien, whose blog, Friendjamin, chronicles his plucky adventures in psychology, humanitarian aid, European tourism and the wonders of not showering.

(2) Done.

(3) Well, considering I'm ridiculously important, and as a result, everything I do is important to someone, this will be difficult, but I'll try...
    1. My wife and I have a stuffed monkey that we treat like an actual human child.
    2. I play drums in a blues/rock band.
    3. I go to 7-Eleven about five days a week.
    4. My favorite memory from my first year at BYU was the spontaneous, spasmatic, music-less, 2-person dance parties I'd have with my roommate Buddy.
    5. I've got a hankering for some leftover enchiladas right about now, but will refrain, because eating cheese enchiladas at 11:57pm is probably not the healthiest thing I could do.
    6. A couple weeks ago, my buddy Quinn and I attended a video game development expo in Salt Lake City. Yeah, I'm a total nerd.
(4) Ok, now to perpetuate the monster. I will tag Wifey, my brother, Blair, Eli, Martin and the Thomases.

(5) Working on it...

(6) Done and done.

Monday, August 4, 2008

the hilarity of spam

Gmail does such a good job of filtering crap out of my inbox that I hardly ever notice that there are like, 500 million emails in my junk folder. These used to be just annoying and boring, but as I did my every-so-often sifting through my junk email this evening, I noticed that junk email has gotten quite hilarious. There are some new trends that have taken over the spam world. One is that they often misspell words in order to get past filters that scan for over-use of certain words. [For example, they spell pill "pilule" a lot. I'll give you one reason why that word comes up a lot... no pun intended.]
But the funniest thing I've seen yet is the current trend for the subject and body of the spam email to have nothing to do with one another. Thanks to Gmail, we can see a snippet of the email's body right next to its subject. Let's look at some examples!

The first email starts out preparing us for the grisly tale of tourist being attacked by cannibals, and ends up being even more grisly as it proceeds to show us where to find "Miley Cyrus bad girl pics." Yikes!! But apparently the cannibals weren't satisfied with people and had to eat a dog in the next email... and the spawn of Billy-Ray was behind it again!
The strange juxtapositions continued as I scrolled down, including the Madonna-Ritchie divorce causing pollution in Beijing and news about the cure for AIDS being postponed due to news about Tom-Kat. There finally starts to be some congruity about 13 spam emails down where the subject declares Teddy Roosevelt to be a homosexual and the body of the email quotes the ghost of Richard Nixon as a source. I guess we know how hell punishes corrupt presidents. In the same vein, we're told of a McCain sex tape and then told that McCain proposes gay marriage. I guess we know what genre of tape it was.
The most perplexing of this first set was the last one. There are so many things in that email's subject that I find both disturbing and confusing. The body of the email doesn't even really make it any more confusing than it already is. Though it is reassuring to know that "Spongebob Squarepants is not Shrek's Father!"

Well, this seems interesting: tobacco is being used to treat cancer? Oh wait, before they could write an email about that, they got the news that "lesbians" are now officially different from "lesbos." I was VERY disappointed that the link didn't work in the email about the video of McCain, Bush and a gay Hillary Clinton dancing in a puppet show. Further on, I failed to see the connection in the message that is ostensibly about a reverse Sodom & Gomorrah, but is actually about the number of George W. Bush's MySpace friends. Also, I fail to see the connections between horses & violence, iPhones & sodomy, and bus crashes & cellphone batteries.
In another brief flash of continuity, we see a commentary on the worth of Picasso's work, as it's juxtaposed with a headline of a cat gouging a man's eyes out.
In addition to these the fairly dirty ones are always really funny.

[Btw, if you click on that link on the line above, like I know you will, I've written funny captions for it which you can see at the link.]

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

clinging to the 80s like it's a sickly infant

I have, at various points in my life, been sucked into a few fashion trends. As a little kid, I had a rat tail for a while, and when I was in second grade, I owned a couple pairs of hammer pants. That being said, I can't muster up the tolerance required in order to not despise most of my fellow men (and women) in Utah. The reason is this. In this rest of the United States, when a fad comes and goes, it comes and then it goes. In Utah, they have a problem with that last part. In fact, it seems like their method is they scan each 12-month period for the most ludicrous and hideous styles and fashions and cling to them with the a grip comparable only to the locked jaw of a pit bull. Also, with the same keen eye with which they spot the current trends which will most embarrass them in retrospect, they scan the annals of history (and by "history" I mean "the last 20 years") and locate equally nauseating fashions and art in which they then become fully invested.

Among the many, many moronic things on this list of Utard fads are:
  • mustaches
  • mullets
  • geometric-patterned clothing
  • men spending as much on their hair as women
  • emo music/fashion
  • bleaching their hair white, a la Ric Flair
  • claiming to like The Cure
  • The Cure
  • clashing neon-colors all crammed onto solitary articles of clothing
  • neon colors on anything at all
  • denim used for anything but pants
    and probably my most hated of all...
  • wearing pants that are 2 sizes too small... AND THEN SAGGING THEM.
I distinctly remember the fad of JNCO jeans. They were so baggy, you could have been smuggling babies, and nobody would have known. Yes, it was a stupid fad, but at least when pants were that baggy, it made sense, physically, that one's pants would sag. They were too big! Of course they'd sag! They would do it on their own without any help from the putz wearing them. But what I don't understand is why some clown with 17 facial hairs (all 17 of which grown out to look strategically messy and unkempt) who obviously bought his jeans from the Women's section of Express, is sagging his skin-tight denim halfway down his bony butt giving everyone within several hundred feet a clear view of his American Apparel boxer-briefs. Sagging, as a style, began as a natural byproduct of the size of the pants. This new breed of androgynous freaks goes out of its way to intentionally push the waistband of their sprayed-on denim down far enough that we have to rename certain anatomical components "public parts."

I've said this many times and I'll say it again now, and probably many more times to come: The 1980s was a wasteland of fashion and culture. Now, I'm the first to admit that a lot of cool developments in music and the arts happened during the 80s, such as punk rock, hip-hop, and Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, but the great things that happened in these fields happened in spite of the decade in which they occurred. The general zeitgeist of the 1980s does not reflect the cool things, like Bad Religion's album, Suffer, that occurred. Their simultaneity is merely coincidence. And I'll give you one guess which one of these two camps of culture the average Utard gleans from the 1980s and then clings to. I'll give you one guess: I don't meet any Brian Eno fans or hear any local bands playing covers of "You Are the Government" by Bad Religion. What I do run into a lot is people at the local water park wearing gray swim trunks with superimposed pink and purple geometric patterns, whilst sporting perms and mustaches. I could just vomit.

I understand that temporary, humorous revivals of 1980s fashions that the nation is embarrassed to remember have been going on at the national level, but each is short-lived and mostly for novelty purposed. Most people get the idea that it's supposed to be funny and that the joke gets old after a couple weeks. Not so in Utah. Like previously explained, they locate the most ridiculous trend they can find and then cling to it indefinitely. Many of them will probably claim that they're in on the joke and are doing it to be funny. But when 93% of your wardrobe is part the joke, that makes you a living, breathing joke. At that point, you have forfeited any claim you had on being taken seriously by anyone on any subject. I don't associate with rodeo clowns.

For a perfect example of the goofballs in which I seem to be immersed, here is a picture I took of some ludicrous hipster that was crossing the street in front of Wifey and me the other day:

Something my mom always said about these kinds of ridiculous fads is, "If his mother had told him that he had to wear that, he'd have cried his eyes out." I mean, are you looking at the same picture as me? His pants are so tight that you can see the inner workings of his circulatory system. Do I even need to MENTION his shoes? It would be superfluous. They mock themselves by virtue of existing.

Come on, April 2010.....

Thursday, July 3, 2008

bumble bee terror!

As Emily and I left to go out on a date tonight, there was an enormous bumble bee laying on the door jamb on its back, freaking out. I helped him flip over and then ran, because he flew aggressively right at me. When we got back, it was still right there. The more slowly we tried to open the door, the more he tried to sneak under and get inside. This little (well, huge) guy was determined to get in! I tried to lay one corner of the welcome mat (which reads, "leave.") on him so we could open the door, but he kept managing to get under the door. So plan B began. We threw open the door and as soon as he flew in, we threw the entire welcome mat on him. I ran into the kitchen and grabbed one of Wifey's jam jars. I slowly peeled back the mat and put the jar down over him. Emily then slipped the little plate-like part of the lid under it, and we turned it over so we could screw on the outer part. That's how it got to the point you see in the video.

I then took it to the street. Now, all of our Mexican neighbors like to sit on the grass in front of our building with their entire extended family (not eating or talking, mind you, just sitting and staring at white people). Immediately, approximately 87 Mexican children came running up to me asking me in broken English what I had in my hand. I told them it was a bee. One of them asked if he was mad. I answered in the affirmative. "Why?" the child asked, a concerned, almost accusing look on her face. I told her that most animals don't like being in jars (but neglected to mention that Emily had shaken the jar 4 0r 5 times). Then the little girl asked "Where did you getted him?" (Yes. Direct quote.) I explained and then they all pleaded with me to let me come with them to set it free. I warned that they should all run, and that following me might not be a good idea. They followed anyway as I crossed the street. I screwed off the lid and swung the jar so that the bee flew out, and immediately turned and sprinted... past the children. Emily told me that from her vantage point (behind our living room window on the 2nd and a half floor), it was hilarious to see

  1. the grown man (me) running for his life from a bumble bee, and
  2. the look of utter terror on the faces of the children as the grown man ran past them, leaving them at the mercy of the bloodthirsty, murderous bumble bee.
Yeah. The excitement never stops at the Hawken home.