79 - 89 - 99, Ay-yi-yi! - An Analysis of Taco Bell's New Value Menu

If any of you watch a lot of Law & Order SVU like I do (I just heard the "clang-clang" of Wifey watching it in the other room, coincidentally), then at the commercials you've probably been inundated by the same painfully infectious theme song of Taco Bell's new "Why Pay More?" campaign. This campaign actually marks a milestone of age for me, as I remember when those were the normal prices at Taco Bell, back before the fast food value menu was invented. But nostalgia aside, there is business to attend to. Let's get down to brass tacks.
Upon seeing the alluring prices advertised - in catchy, ascending order - I felt it my duty as a responsible consumer to investigate further and report on my findings. I analyze each section of the new menu (in ascending order) evaluating each item's quality and relative deal-ness. Let's do this:

79:

• Cheese Roll-Up: Unfortunately this looks about how it sounds. It looks like a really nasty fruit roll-up. It's tasty, but at 79 cents, you don't enjoy it, because you know that you could make it yourself at home for about 13.
• Triple Layer Nachos: The best 79 cent item that Taco Bell has ever carried. To be technical, it's nothing fancy, if you were to describe it, as its three layers comprise beans, "nacho cheese," and the red sauce they put in their bean burritos. Technicality aside however, the TLN are uncharacteristically scrumptious. I think they're actually cheaper than their normal "nachos," which consist of a tiny sack of chips and a tiny plastic container of "nacho cheese." An added bonus is that if your local Taco Bells are like ours and 8 times out of 10 have really dry beans, the cheese and sauce more than make up for it. Take these out of the bag first and eat immediately.
  
• Cinnamon Twists: Cinnamon twists have never been much to write home about, but if you're like me and for some reason make a nostalgic connection between cinnamon twists and the release of the original Batman movie with Michael Keaton and this perplexing but amusing quote, and/or if you have an intense desire for cinnamon & sugar-coated Styrofoam, then it might just be worth your time and subsequent 79 cents.
  

89:

• Crunchy Taco: I hate crunchy tacos. You bite them and they explode into corn-based shrapnel and ground beef carnage. Pass.
• Soft Taco: I know that soft tacos are the wussy-man's taco, but they can be a'ight. They'd be better on the 79 cent menu though.
• Cheesy Double Beef Burrito: AWESOMENESS ALERT. Far and away the best item of this entire campaign. I went into this burrito with low expectations. My expectations were exceeded, shaken and given a noogie. Holy crap. There was enough beef on the DBB that it was almost like eating a deliciously-spiced hamburger. They aren't screwing around about the whole "double beef" thing. On top of the taste, it was hefty. Mighty hefty. It is the best 89 cents you can possibly spend on fast food at this point in history.
  

99:

• Big Taste Taco: As heretofore mentioned, soft tacos are for wussies. Wussies like me who don't like the aforementioned corn shrapnel. The BTT has a spin though, it's a soft taco with tortilla strips in it, thus giving you a neat, tidy package of the corn shrapnel you so voraciously desire, with a dash of that intoxicatingly delicious sauce they put on the Grilled Stuft Burrito thrown in for good measure. I suppose 99 cents was fair, but I'd be more likely to buy one every time if it was at the 89 level.
  
• Bean Burrito: I feel robbed, but mainly because I can remember that on the original 79-89-99 shebang, the bean burrito was at the 89 cent level. If they can have something as amazing as the TLN at the 79 cent level, why not shave a dime off the the most basic item on the menu?
  
• 1/2 Pound Cheesy Bean and Rice Burrito: I remember when this first came out, 2 years back. I was a frequenter of Taco Bell at the time, as I worked at a high-class retail establishment nearby called La Guitare Centre. Good if you're in the mood to chug "nacho cheese," but only worth your time if you've already talked yourself into being fine with eating pure lard that doesn't masquerade as anything but just that. Should also be at the 89 cent level.
• Caramel Apple Empenada: Rarely am I in the mood for anything caramel when I go to Taco Bell, but on one of the rare occasions when caramel craving and Taco Bell patronage coincide (see diagram below), this is a rare treat. I know it's not worth 99 cents in any kind of intrinsic sense, but if you're feeling a little saucy and ostentatious, grab one of these. Warning: will be gone in two bites.
  

Ay-yi-yi!:
In conclusion, the best deals on the new menu are the Triple Layer Nachos, the Cheesy Double Beef Burrito, and - if you're into that kinda thing - the Big Taste Taco. Everything else is either on the wrong part of the menu, or isn't really worth your while. There you go America. I've provided you with the facts, now go consume informedly. Good night, and good luck.

P.S. I will never refer to that bright yellow ooze that you see at Taco Bell, 7-Eleven and other places, as "nacho cheese" unless I put quotation marks around it like that, because it only a physical metaphor for the real nacho cheese. In fact, though delicious, it is neither "nacho" nor "cheese."